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The Senseless Wonder (complete with cape!) The Senseless Wonder (complete with cape!)One of the things that I hate the most is being ignored. Perhaps I hate it so much because it happens to me so frequently. You know how you can sense when a person is watching you or standing right behind you? Well, people don't sense me. Apparently, I don't emit the "notice me" vibes that most people seem to have. I am forever scaring the wits out of my boss when I go into her office to ask a question. I generally don't want to interrupt her train of thought so I wait until the opportune moment comes. Sometimes she looks up before then and jumps so high she nearly touches the ceiling. This has happened time and time again with her and with others. I've had some people tell me I should wear a cat bell so that people know I'm there. Even as a child I would often be the last one out in dodgeball, not because I was particularly skilled at it, but because no one noticed me until everyone else was out. I often won games like "Berlin wall" and blind tag. I moved quietly and no one sensed me sneaking past them. When walking in a crowd people step out of the way of the people I am with and then try to walk right over and through me. I'm forced to leap out of the way or be run down. It's not just people too tall to see me; people shorter than me do it too. I get backed over and stepped on, on a daily basis. It happens when I'm driving too. I don't drive a little tiny car; I drive a big, solid Volvo station wagon. People are forever cutting me off and especially trying to change lanes over me. And I don't mean just regular Edmontonian bad driving. This goes to extremes. Unfortunately this situation extends to my friends too. We have a large group of loud, bright and noticeable friends. All too often my entries into the conversation get ignored. My very presence does too. If I'm not there when something is being planned I very often don't even get invited. Perhaps a prime example is what happened a few weekends ago when I was away with some friends for a wedding. We were sitting at breakfast and someone asked when we planned on leaving for home. I replied: " Well, I don't really have any plans tonight so I can leave any time." Bear turned to me and said: "We have to go clean up for the party." "What party?" "We're having a party tonight for Foreman going away. You know about it, we're hosting it!" It seems that they had told everyone there and made plans for inviting the people back home but had not noticed that they didn't tell me! They thought this was the funniest thing ever, that I wasn't even aware of the party I was helping to host. This is not the first time that I have been forgotten in an invitation list, and I'm sure it won't be the last. It's not that they don't want me to be there (at least I'm fairly certain of this), it's just that I seem to fade into the background for a lot of people. But this especially hurts me, because I always make an effort to invite everyone when I plan an event. I want people to notice me for being me. I want them to appreciate my qualities and contributions without having to blow my own horn or scream it from the rooftops. I want my friends to think of me when they're planning an event and be excited that I will attend. I want to get credit for my ideas without having to argue that the little voice they heard was mine and not divine inspiration. I'm not the best or the most of anything in their eyes. Perhaps the greatest 'hater of pineapple', but that's about it. (Ok enough of whining in the bitter barn; I've got it out of my system I think) Maybe it's partly a color issue. My car is chocolate brown. My hair is brown. My clothes are almost all blacks, browns, blues, dark greens and the occasional white, beige and dark burgundy. Maybe these neutral colors just don't get noticed. I'm a little shy so I generally stay quiet until I'm comfortable with a situation or when I don't feel welcome. I do get noticed when I'm sick or having a reaction to something. It's hard to ignore someone hacking up a lung beside you. Maybe the problem is my own perception of myself. I don't cause problems; I try not to make waves. I don't have wild flings that people whisper about behind their hands. I don't want negative attention so I avoid stealing the focus from the bright butterflies. I just stay moth-quiet in the background. Don't get me wrong: I can be loud when I need to be, or even when I'm excited about something. I'm not a part of the furniture and I am involved with a lot of things. I'm just over-sensitive from the times that I've been forgotten. When added to the general public ignoring me and walking over me, it really makes me wonder what I'm missing. Some days I think I should wear a T-shirt that screams " I exist!!!" to the world. Or perhaps "Just because I'm short, doesn�t mean I'm not here." Or "Stop ignoring me!" Maybe this is my super power: "no vibe". Not spidey-sense, but "no sense". Just call me "the senseless wonder"! Somebody get me a cape and some tights! I'm going out to get noticed!!!
2003-09-22 || 2:15 p.m. |
