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Diamonds DiamondsIt was a weddingy weekend, but without any weddings. On Saturday, Bear and I went to a fire at his friend Beans' place. Bear and Beans have known each other since grade 1. There are 5 boys that have kept in touch since high school, Bear, Beans, Hatt, Squid and Beaker. Hatt had just proposed to his girlfriend of 3 years. I was worried that this announcement would shake Bear since he's had so many issues with engagements and marriages, so I had warned him this was coming. It was no problem though. Bear was happy for them and stayed completely relaxed. Granted, he had been drinking, but I think all is well. When Hatt and his girl left we were discussing the pressure to marry. Beans and Tash have been together for 5 years, they have a house together and she has caught the bouquet at 3 weddings. They asked Bear how long we had been together and he answered "Over 2 years." Well. I turned to him and asked, "So when did we celebrate our second anniversary?" Silly Bear. He replied, "Well it feels like longer." I'm not sure how to take that. Granted we were friends for a long time before we started dating but honestly, our anniversary is Halloween. It's not a hard date to remember. On Sunday I met with Pug and her sister to go to the Bridal Expo. It was great to spend time with them, to be the peanut gallery at the back of the fashion show, to talk about the wedding plans and see the dress. I'm feeling much more involved now. It's amazing what a little effort can produce. I sometimes forget what it's like to hang out with Pug, how sweet and funny she is, and how comfortable I feel with her. It makes me sad for the gaps in our friendship; the long waits between visits and the important moments missed. I can't wait until she's done school and I can have a little more of her time. A series of mix-ups resulted in my sitting around the Expo for 2 hours. I spent the first hour people watching. The funniest person I saw the entire time was the gentleman who arrived in a tux carrying a remote control and a large metal ice scoop. I spent a good 15 minutes devising different stories to account for him arriving with such a strange combination of items. I also played 45 minutes of "guess the bride". A group of girls would arrive and I would try to guess, based on their body language, which one of them was the bride-to-be. I then verified my guess with a glance at their ring. I was almost always right. Most women would arrive with hands in pockets or folded under arms, since it was cold out. Not the brides though. Most of them came in armed with their rings. Hand held slightly forward to force their way past any obstruction. With that ring hand they claimed the right to be there, to enter the bridal fair. That ring was all-powerful, blasting away obstructions and interferences. It proclaimed, "I am loved. I am important. I am the centre of the universe for the next year." If in a group, the bride was always front and centre in the pack, with focus on her, and her ring leading the group. Each bride carried herself with pride, knowing that she was valued above all others by at least her man. She glowed with an inner confidence that shone in her face. You could tell that each of them was ready for the ceremony, if not for the commitment that the ceremony entailed. And that's what it comes down to really, is being ready. It seems like there should be a magic formula for getting married. Age x years together x cumulative long-term relationship experience + love = marriage factor. Well I'm almost 28 (I won't even touch that particular crisis here) and Bear is 26 (yes, a younger man), Bear and I have been together for almost 2 years, he has 3 years long-term relationship experience and I have 11 years, and we love each other. But all of this does not necessarily equal marriage, at least not right now. I guess that part of my problem with thinking that I'm ready for marriage is a lack of confidence. Firstly, I was with my last boyfriend Sailor for almost 5 years. We were nowhere near marriage by that point. The main reason that the relationship ended is that I believed that both of us could find people better suited to us. Had we eventually gotten married I'm sure that it would have been a long and comfortable marriage, but not exciting or challenging. I wanted more from a relationship than just being comfortable. I guess I'm a little afraid that I'll have that kind of realization again if I wait that long. I know this isn't logical or rational, and that Bear and I are much better suited but I'm a little afraid nonetheless. Secondly, the past 6-8 months have been a little bit of a rollercoaster. Bear has been struggling with some issues and it's been hard on our relationship. I have been sure that I want to marry Bear since very early on in our relationship (not that I want to marry him now, but that I want to marry him eventually, when he is ready). He isn't sure of anything at all. Both of these things have served to undermine my confidence. Thirdly, I have been engaged before, and it was the worst mistake of my life. I was young (17) and foolish, and he was controlling and abusive. Breaking it off was the smartest thing I have ever done. I spent the next 9 years afraid of engagement. I didn't want to make the same mistake again, to promise to marry for the wrong reason. I've just gotten over this fear since meeting Bear. I sometimes wonder if I'm destined to stay a serial monogamist, just one long-term relationship after another. I could have spent the rest of my life with Sailor, but I chose not to, I'm sure I'll be friends with him for the rest of my life though. I could spend the rest of my life quite happily with Bear. There are so many qualities that he has that I admire and love. Sometimes I wonder at the incredible pressure to get married. I get asked on average once per day when I'm getting married. The longer we're together, the more often we get asked. My mom skipped that stage and just asks when she'll get grandchildren. What's the rush? Bear is still going from contract to contract. I'm in a permanent position but not in my field and I plan on going back to school. Bear and I have a lot left to work on, especially when it comes to religion. He's Catholic and I was raised without a religion. In fact, if an event was religious in any way I wasn't allowed to go. Thank goodness he's a relaxed Catholic (as opposed to rabid Catholic) and I am open-minded non-religion specific (I guess spiritual but not religious). I'm sure we'll work it out in time. Living together makes more sense than marriage right now, but that's mostly financial and efficiency sense, I think living together at this stage would put pressures on our relationship that we're not quite ready for. Bear has a fantastic roommate right now, Africa, and they get along great. I have an apartment by myself, which I love, even though it means that I don't save very much money in a month. Why rock the boat before we're stable? Everyone we know seems to be getting married right now. We had 5 weddings last year and have 3 booked already for next year. We seem to spend every weekend at another shower or stag/ette or engagement party or wedding. They've started having babies now too so with the baby showers added on, we didn't have a free weekend most of the summer. Who's next? Everyone asks. What about you two? Even greater is the internal pressure every time someone younger and with a newer relationship gets engaged. Two perfect examples are Bear's baby sister Plaid who got engaged after 11 months and got married 6 months later, and Immy who just got engaged after 6 months with her beau. The thought always runs through my head, "why are they ready and we're not?" I know that we're working through many things that other couples wait until after the wedding to deal with. I know that we are an incredibly strong couple, just because of all we've been through. Sometimes I ask why it has to be so hard for us when it seems to come so easily for others. But deep down I know that everyone has tough times, whether we see them or not and I guess we have to pay in order to be so happy together. Because we are happy, Bear and I, despite the problems and we're lucky to have what we have together. So I'm content to wait. Until he's ready and I'm ready and the time is right. Pressure may make diamonds, but it takes time too.
2003-09-29 || 2:17 p.m. |
