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Full Moon I had a ridiculously bad day on Thursday. Seriously, some days I feel like I'm in a bad comedy movie. I can honestly tell when a full moon is coming by gauging the chaos that surrounds me.I started the day cold. Freezing, really. I woke up shivering, with goose bumps all over, huddled under my blanket around icy hands and feet. I have a brilliant idea! Since I'm chilly I should spill cold milk all over myself; that will make me feel better! Sheer genius! I climbed out of bed and ran to get my cereal, which I brought back to my room. Then I decided that I was too cold to eat my cereal so I tried to set up my space heater while still holding my cereal. Of course I managed to spill it all over the carpet and myself. Brilliant! After cleaning up my cereal I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. GAAAAAHHHH!!! Oh yeah, I forgot that in the mornings I look like a mad-haired red-eyed pillow-fold-faced dragged-from-the-grave freak of nature. I do NOT do mornings. Planning on calming my hair I picked up my comb and gently tossed it into the toilet. Of course this is the ideal hair styling situation! I will just use toilet water to terrify my hair into submission. I am so incredibly coordinated! The world bows down to my extreme dexterity! The bus to work was packed and we had a new bus driver on the route. I am not impressed with him. He decided that even though he was driving a packed 8 o'clock bus to campus on the first week of classes, he should stop at the Tim Horton's and go in for a cup of coffee. The mere presence of such shrieking idiocy caused me to grab the stack of transfers and attempt to slit my wrists with them, or at least caused me to be late for work. Work was insane, as is the usual case for the first week of January. My pile of mail has reached a towering height of 14". Yes, people, that's mail over a foot deep. I actually had an avalanche on my filing cabinet. The deadline is Friday and I am buried in applications. Jane decided that the ideal time to upset me is when I'm so stressed out I'm having trouble breathing and have been working unpaid overtime. She wandered over and casually made a bitchy remark about me working when I have mono. I was so angry I was shaking and actually called Bear in tears. What considerate co-workers I have. Joy and bliss! This is just exactly what I needed after being on campus for 13 hours the previous day! By 4:30 Jane and Dani had rushed out the door while I sat buried in a slew of applications. I picked up a new file as my other co-workers sauntered out the door. Holding the file in my right hand I propped up my exhausted head with cheekbone on hand and the file flopped over on top of my head as I turned to refer to another paper. I finished reading the other paper and went to continue with my work. What's going on? The file won't move! It's caught in my hair! MY HAIR HAS EATEN THE FILE!!! I started laughing, full-bodied breathless laughter: breathless means speechless and my coworkers were almost gone for the day! I had terrified visions of running crazily around campus with a file stuck to my head, crying: "Help! Help! My hair tried to eat a file and choked on it! Does anyone know the Heimlich Maneuver?" I imagined calmly waiting for the bus with the file hanging off the side of my head, going home and making dinner with the file for company and sleeping with it pillowed underneath my head at night. It would be my closest companion, becoming molded to the shape of my head in a papier-mach�-ish nightmare after my next shower. I pictured the trauma Bear would feel upon learning that I had left him for a lump of flattened, bleached tree bits with squiggly decorations. "I'm sorry Bear, Filey and I are just closer than you can imagine." I contemplated the difficulties we would face in trying to fit Filey for a tux for our wedding. Eventually I inhaled and my air-starved brain returned to reality. I started frantically waving my free hand, occasionally sinking below the level of the cubical walls in hysterics. I managed to gasp out "Help!" and caught Michelle's attention. She came back and stared at my head. "Oh my God! What happened? I've never seen anything like this!" The applicant had apparently decided that his file needed five (count them, 5!) paperclips to hold the 6 pages of paper together. All 5 clips had become hopelessly tangled in my hair, which, enraged by this intrusion, had begun wrestling with them, pulling out its best WWE moves. Five heart-wrenching minutes later, my whirlwind romance with Filey was over. Dr. Mi Chelle, using groundbreaking surgical procedures, had separated me from Filey, my conjoined twin. The surgery took a mere 5 minutes but I will always remember Filey as the one I was closest to in the entire world. After another hour and a half of unpaid overtime I wandered home, ate and sat down on my bed to take my socks off. I awoke 2 hours later, disoriented and groggy but thankful that this day of idiocy was over. I sometimes think that every business should shut down on the day of the full moon and that everyone should be allowed to just curl up in bed with a good book and spare the world the trauma of humans afflicted with full moon-induced insanity. That's my story and I'm sticking to it! 2004-01-10 || 2:22 a.m. |
