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Pieces of the Best Pieces of the BestI'm really not so sure how I feel about having people that I know reading what I'm saying, so if this disappears, you'll know why. For some reason it doesn't bother me at all that people I don't know might be reading this and learning about me and my life, picturing me, even judging me. I don't fear the judgement of strangers because they can't hurt me. I find I'm still afraid of what my friends might think of me. Even those that I know will love me anyways. I'm also afraid that what I write will hurt my friends. I hope not. Those that read and find comments about themselves, please know that I love you. Then again, if you can't be honest in your diary, where can you be honest? That's like lying to yourself. Not that I don't do that anyways, but this is a more conscious for of lying. Does that make it more of a sin? I dunno. It's funny how I see common themes running through my thoughts and conversations that suddenly appear in my friends' online diaries. One of the recent ones that appeared is "the best friend". I don't really have one. Well I kind of do. But I think a kind of is not an actual when it comes to best friends. I know now that I'm not the only one that worries about this. Bear is my best friend, my closest friend, the one I tell everything to and call first about news and crisis's and to ask for help. He's the person I can goof around and be myself with. I can laugh and cry and snort and belch with him. If I'm acting stupid he just laughs and shakes his head and I know he's not judging me. I'm safe with him. He's also my boyfriend. While he is my best friend, I think being a boyfriend disqualifies him from official best friend status. Your best friend should be the person you turn to when things go wrong with your boyfriend. Someone who can console you and tell you that it's okay to mope for a while and then tell you when it's time to get over yourself and stop whining. Someone who can analyse every thing he says in minute detail and come up with answers that he didn't even know were in there. Really, a best girlfriend (but don't get me wrong, your best girlfriend can be a guy too.) I have a best friend in label too. Pug is 5 years younger than me but it feels like we're the same age. (Not that she looks like a pug (she's gorgeous) but she has a pug dog.) We've been through a lot of similar experiences with relationships, have endured the break up of long-term relationships and have escaped abusive ones. Our opinions don't clash on religion, despite our different backgrounds. We often find that we arrive at events in the same clothes, although we don't shop together. We have similar builds so we can often switch or share clothes, and body image woes. Whenever we're together we always have a blast. We plan parties together that are always a success and we spent a year as the social planners for Wammick. We understand each other and she's so much fun. I love her dearly. But. Always the "but". I see her so rarely. We live in the same city. She goes to the school I work at. We were in Wammick together. I'm a bridesmaid in her wedding next year. I think I saw her three times this summer: at her engagement party, at a baby shower, and at a Wammick wedding. That�s 3 days out of 123! I know that she has very little idea what is going on in my life, the struggles that I've had in the last while. Our phone conversations last for only a few minutes and our emails aren't much longer. I know that she's busy with school and her fianc� and wedding planning and work. The problem is that whenever a relative comes into town she drops everything with all of her friends. This wouldn't be so bad, but there is almost always some relative or another in town. As I said before, I'm a bridesmaid in her wedding. I didn't get to go wedding dress shopping, I didn't get to go bridesmaid's dress shopping. Not even shoe shopping. I know the date and location of the wedding, and most of the principal players, but otherwise I'm lost. It's embarrassing that people ask me and I just don't know. I guess maybe the solution is that I need to make more of an effort, and stop taking no for an answer. I know I'm not the only one that feels pushed aside, like I'm not a priority. Someone needs to make her realize that she needs her friends and her friends need her. Family is important but family isn't everything. The next closest, is my friend Rat from High School. We met in Biology class, making fun of the reproduction and childbirth video. It's a relationship that's warm and comfy like a favourite sweater. I know what's going on in her life, she knows about mine. We have traditions: Boggle and pizza bread, fondue at anniversaries, and planning dinner parties. She's always been there for me when I've needed her, and we've always made allowances for when life gets in the way. We always have something to talk about, even though our lives have taken very different paths. Rat has a best friend though, Peaches, and they're perfectly suited to each other. Their lives, careers, hobbies, religion and everything in between match. I admit that I'm envious of the bond they have, because I wish I had a friend that matched me so perfectly, not because I would ever want to come between them. So I guess my complaint is that I want that. The friendship that is perfectly suited. I know what it feels like to have a boyfriend perfectly suited to me and I long for that closeness with a girlfriend. I want to be able to imagine my wedding and instantly know who my maid of honor would be. Right now it's an empty space that I long to have filled. I guess I should be happy with the wealth of friends that I have, each one filling a part of the role of "best friend", and hope that one day I can find someone who embodies them all.
2003-09-08 || 2:38 p.m. |
