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Wearing Red I went shopping last weekend with Kristus, Princess, Chnanners, Dramaqueen and Bear. We went to Old Navy, supposedly to search for baby clothes for Ceilie, but really as a "Christmas present for ourselves" type of shopping trip. I did something new, something I haven't done in a very long time.I bought red. Not only did I buy something with a little bit of red, I bought two all red shirts and I tried on many other red clothes. Big flipping deal, right? Wrong. I went through a really horrible relationship in high school. Not a regular bad high school relationship. A horribly abusive one that has left very permanent and very deep scars. I don't let them see light very often and many people have no idea that they're there. When people ask why I don't wear red, I always answer that Synn always told me that I look bad in red. No one seems to understand what I mean by that. The few times that I did wear red, there would be a constant litany of "Why are you wearing red? You look terrible in red. Go and change. That red is so ugly. You look horrible. Here put on this sweatshirt. Why would you wear such an ugly color? It makes you look awful. Don't ever wear red�" They say that if you hear something enough times you will start to believe it. The idea that I looked terrible in red has made me avoid the color for over 10 years. I realize now that this was a matter of control for him. He used smaller things, like controlling what I wore, to get me used to obeying him. He was trying to control who I talked to (never mind that I wasn't allowed to ever talk to boys, he would erupt in a jealous fury if I made plans with a girlfriend), what I did, what I thought, and every decision that I made. It took an enormous amount of effort to break free from him. I have suffered the consequences of that relationship, and probably will feel its effects for the rest of my life. Wounds that deep have a tendency to fester, and the scars on the surface are thick and twisted. The very idea that I might meet him on the street some day leaves me shaking and weak, terrified of what would happen. Today I wore red and Bear told me that I look good in red. Princess did too. It's a small step but a symbolic one. I finally feel like I'm almost out from under Synn's thumb, that some of the damage has healed and I'm finally almost free. I can see the light and I'm moving toward it. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. That is now my motto. It came very close, frighteningly close, but it didn't manage to kill me. I'm stronger now than almost anyone I know. I've seen hell and felt it's heat, and now I can survive anything life throws at me. And every time I put on my red shirt, I think of where I've been and where I am now. I think of where I would be if I was still with Synn, and I take a deep breath and thank the light that I'm not with him and won't ever have to be again. 2003-12-17 || 1:11 a.m. |
