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Balancing Act I�ve been thinking a lot lately about the purpose of life. Not the meaning of life or the purpose of the processes called life or the answer to life, the universe and everything (42 - thank you Douglas Adams), but the purpose of human life on earth.It all seems to hinge on whether there is an afterlife or not. If there is an afterlife then there are ultimate consequences for our actions and we are playing a game that we don�t know most of the rules for. The closest thing we have to a rule book is the collected stories written by men thousands of years ago. The purpose of life would be to finish the game with the most �goodness points� and the least �badness points� possible, so we should try to be as good as possible. If there isn�t an afterlife then the purpose of the game is to have as much fun as possible, to collect �happiness points�. There is no rule book, and the only consequences are rushes of chemicals into our bloodstream. Maybe the purpose of life is purely biological: to survive for long enough to reproduce and transmit our own particular brand of the genetic code as far into the future as possible. Maybe it�s all about reproduction and ecology: the cycling of nutrients, the furthering of our species. If that�s the case then the human species seems to be winning at the cost of the entire planet, and running eventually into ruin. I was in fourth grade, about 8 years old, when I had my first �crisis of faith�. I was sitting in a cheesy Mexican restaurant with my family, reading a book and waiting for the food to arrive. All of a sudden I was filled with an indescribable sadness, a consuming blackness, and I burst into tears. I was inconsolable and could not identify the reason for my tears. My parents kept asking: �did you hurt yourself?�, �was it something in your book?�, �was it something someone said to you�, �do you feel sick?� I couldn�t find a way to tell them that I was sick with terror at the loss of something that I never even realized that I had. I sobbed all through dinner, all the way home and for hours afterwards. Later that night, lying tear-streaked and worry-stained on my parent�s bed I managed to blurt out, �I don�t want to die.� Well, that didn�t quite explain it but it captured the essence of the problem. I had tried to visualize the concept of death without an afterlife: a stopping of all biological processes. Since there was no Heaven or Hell or purgatory or ghosts or reincarnation, I eliminated all of these concepts. I was left thinking (a ball of consciousness) inside of my body in the ground but then realized that I wouldn�t be able to feel my body since being dead severed that connection. The nearest thing that I could think of to this state was being asleep, but when you are asleep you dream of the world and there is still a residual awareness of your body, impacts of the sensory information being processed even as you sleep. I guessed that unconsciousness, as I had experienced it when I had a seizure the previous year, would be closer to the right idea but I couldn�t manage to think about that without also thinking about how I felt and what I saw before and after unconsciousness. So I now tried being a formless consciousness in a black void. I still had an awareness of the world as it is and as it had been so I eliminated that. Wow. That would be boring. No it wouldn�t. I wouldn�t even know that I was bored. I would have nothing to compare it to. I wouldn�t even be able to compare it because there would be no thinking. As my panic swelled and terror overwhelmed me, still I clung to that image. Blackness so black and silent that there is nothing in it, and it swallows even thought. I couldn�t be sad about being dead, I couldn�t be bored. After death there is � nothing�and it terrified me to my very soul. I realized then that although academically I had no reason to believe in an afterlife, I needed to believe because the prospect of having nothing was just too terrifying. The same applies to my purpose in life, living only for biology is too scary and sad and infuriating. I want to be good for a reason. I want bad people to be punished. I want consequences and reasons and to live on forever even if it means going to hell. My current problem is that I�m not sure that what I�m doing with my life aligns with any of these purposes of life. Either way, afterlife or no, am I accomplishing what I want to? If there is an afterlife, am I doing as much good as I could be? No. I buy things instead of donating more money to good causes, I work in a job that consumes insane amounts of paper, I don�t do as much as I could to help causes and fight injustice. Am I doing more good than bad? By my own standards? Yes. By the standards given by the bible? No. I�m going to burn for all eternity. If there is no afterlife, am I enjoying myself as much as possible? No. I don�t like my job. I like having a regular pay check and benefits but I have roughly zero job satisfaction. However, the hours are somewhat flexible and having that income allows me to do many of the things that I need and enjoy. But the time spent at work could be spent doing what I enjoy. I blithely work toward obtaining the traditional things without a huge amount of thought into why I want them. A husband? I do want a consistent, loving relationship in my life; this makes me happy. Not just any husband but one that makes me happy. A house? I�m not thrilled about throwing my money away on rent and there are alternatives (like living on a beach somewhere). I don�t think that owning a house will make me happy in itself but in the long run, financially, it will enable me to do things that I otherwise would not be able to. My extra-curricular activities? I do a bit better in this category by including dance, music, reading, writing, camping, paddling and hanging out with my friends. More of these would give me more happiness points. Some foods would give me more happiness point but almost all of my favourites are detrimental to my health. Is it longevity or enjoyment that is more important? If there is no afterlife, am I fulfilling my biological/genetic/ecological purpose? Not directly. I have no children but I do hope to have them eventually. Finding a life mate, having kids, having a house, saving for the future, furthering my education and health serve to increase the probability of success for my potential offspring. I plan on having no more that two children, replacing myself and my mate on the earth but not contributing to the population explosion. I suppose that all of these major ideas combined represent my view of the purpose of life. I want to balance doing good, being happy, living as long as possible and helping my potential offspring while minimizing my ecological footprint as much as possible. I guess that�s a purpose in life that I can live with; I�m just going to have to learn to juggle a bit better, to find that perfect balancing point. 2004-05-05 || 12:04 p.m. |
