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A bit of beef, a blot of mustard? I've been sleeping about 12 hours a day lately; I guess I'm a bit exhausted. It's led to some seriously messed up dreams though.Yesterday I awoke from a nightmare in which my ankle was still messed up and Bear was terribly ill and vomiting Cranberry Gingerale in the street outside NAIT. But earlier in my dream I had been taking the coolest photos and was having trouble with the focus on my camera. Who knows what that all means? This morning I awoke from a seriously screwed up dream. It started out that Bear and I were at a movie in the yard of Garne@u School. It was open-air, like a drive in with theatre seats instead of cars. I put my foot up on Bear's leg to sit more comfortably and the female usher came and yelled at me because apparently that is illegal and she was calling the police. The movie got really boring then and I fell asleep (okay, who falls asleep in their dreams, that is seriously messed up). When I woke up the movie was over and we were walking home. Bear kept leaving me behind because I was walking too slowly and I didn't know if he was going to stay with me or go to a party. This was apparently our first date. For a while some other guy walked with me and we talked about whether Bear was coming back or not. The other guy left me and I watched him walk away under the streetlights and into the woods. Yup. Woods. Bear came back but he walked past me and followed the man into the woods, apparently to go to the party. I was a little bit sad, but not terribly, and went home. Bear and I lived together in a house and when I got there I found my 2-day-old baby lying in my bed. (Apparently I left a two-day-old baby alone in my house to go on a first date with the baby's father. Riiiiiiight.) The baby was wrapped in a blanket, sleeping, and I suddenly realized that I had to change the baby's bandages. She had a wound on her stomach, above where the bellybutton would be, and I somehow knew that it was almost healed and I just had to keep it clean. I then thought, "Wow, I went out on a movie date two days after giving birth, go me!" and suddenly I could remember giving birth, and that it was not as bad as I expected, but I couldn't really remember being pregnant. And then I started wondering how many times I'd had alcohol in the last 9 months and whether I had caused birth defects. Then as I was changing the bandage my cell phone rang (I don't have one) and it was my sister calling. I was talking to her and I had my baby cuddled in my left arm, while I dug around in my backpack for a bottle. I chatted with my sister for a bit and then when I looked down at the baby I realized that I was feeling her Outrageous brand 2-in-1 shampoo, not a bottle. I screamed and told my sister that I had to go and then hung up on her. I ran into the hallway and tilted the baby forward and shampoo poured out of her mouth. I realized that she wasn't breathing and started to really panic. Every phone in the house was ringing as I frantically breathed air into the baby's lungs. I picked up the cell phone again. It was my sister and I told her that I was busy and hung up again. I checked the cell phone for a heart beat (not the baby, the cell phone) and it had one. I checked if it was breathing, it was. I then dropped the cell phone, wrapped baby in the blanket again and went in search of a real bottle to wash the shampoo out of my sleeping baby's throat. When I got to the living room, Bear was there with three guys that he had brought back from the party. I was sobbing, afraid that I was the world's most terrible mother and that he would leave me. Through my tears I told him what had happened and he hugged me and laughed and laughed. I went into the kitchen and my mom was there along with my cousin and a bunch of other relatives. As I was looking for a bottle my sister arrived. For some reason my mom and sister didn't know that I'd had a baby but my cousin did. My cousin helped me find a bottle and milk (not formula for some reason) and I was upset that I didn't even know where the baby's bottles and diapers were. My sister kept calling the baby "Timothy" and finally I told her that the baby was a girl and that we hadn't named her yet. I wondered why we hadn't named her Danica but somehow I felt like I wasn't allowed to name her. I started thinking about how I was going to go to school with an infant and why I hadn't realized this before and that maybe I should have a second child next year and then go to school and maybe I should go into the living room and talk to Bear about it. It occurred to me that the baby could actually be unconscious from the shampoo etc., rather than sleeping, and that I could have given my baby brain damage. I started crying again, told my family the story and they all laughed at me. And I woke up. Okay if anyone can tell me what that dream means please let me know. I always have such vivid and messed up dreams, it makes me a little crazy. Dream interpretation books are completely useless for me, as the important features in the dream are never listed in the books. (Please don't judge me as a bad parent, I promise I would never leave a 2-day-old baby at home alone or feed it shampoo. Or check the cell phone for the baby's heartbeat, for that matter.) Suggestions? Anyone? Bueller? Maybe it was something I ate. 2004-12-31 || 4:12 p.m. |
